Well, according to my calendar you are officially late. That's OK. You take your time. I do want to thank you for turning your little body around the right way. Your grandma told me tonight that you did that so that you would have more time to grow in there. I agree. Your mom and I have always said that we will do this on your terms.
I was thinking about something last night. I have been holding onto hope this whole time. Before I knew you had trisomy 18 I hoped for a healthy baby. I didn't care if you were a boy or a girl -- just healthy. Then when I found out you may have T-18, I hoped that the blood tests were wrong. I had so much hope that I convinced myself that you were fine -- it was just a scare. Then when it was confirmed that you had T-18, I was heartbroken. I hoped that either the amnio was wrong or that you had mosaicism, which would give you a better chance of surviving into adulthood. There were days I hoped God would take you with him so that you (and I admit) so that I wouldn't suffer. Then there were days when I hoped that you would make it, even for a minute, so I could see your shining face. Even today -- right this second -- I hope that there will be a miracle and that you will be healed.
The point is that I have had hope throughout all this. You seem fine. Even today at the doctor, you seemed fine. My mind cannot fully accept that you even have this awful disorder that will certainly rob me of you. So, I cling to hope, like someone hanging onto a slippery vine, swinging over a deep ravine. The thought that stopped me in my tracks was when I considered what I would do when there was no hope. What happens if you don't make it. When all hope is gone, what do I cling to? I asked your mommy that question this evening, and she said that I can hold onto the hope (knowledge) that God has grabbed your hand and wisked you into heaven. I can hold onto the hope that one day I will get to see you again. I can hold onto the hope that you are smiling down on us, without pain.
I like that kind of hope. I hope I can grab onto it if and when I need to.
Love from the other side of the belly,
Daddy-
Post a Comment