Dear Lily,

How are you little one? You gave mommy quite a scare the other night. She thought that you were on your way. You will come when it is time, we know that; but I want you to stay in there, safe and warm for as long as you can. Trust me, it is the safest place you will ever be. This world can be cruel, especially to those who are "different." You are fighting right now, and when you do come into this world, I will protect you. Just know that the longer you are with us, the more you will have to fight. I, and everyone who loves you, are in your corner. We will savagely defend you, but we can't protect you from every ugly thing. Some will think of you as less than they are. There are some pungent words -- retarded, defective, and others. They are like a hiss from a snake. Some will wonder why we ever let you come into this world. They will say, "How can you call that living?" To them, I will say, "Someone let you come into this world, and if you have that much hate in your heart, maybe I should be asking that person why they brought you into this world." Don't get down though. Most people in this world will love you. Know that we outweigh those who will turn away in disgust. Keep your focus on us. We will be sending love your way.

So, take your time. I can't remember what it was like in there, but I bet it's cozy and I know your mommy is taking great care of you. I make sure she eats her vegetables ;). I will see you in a few weeks. I can't wait to meet you, but don't hurry.

Love to the googolplex power,

Daddy

Dear Lily,

Well, the day you arrive in this world is getting closer and closer. I have to be honest and say that I am scared. It's OK to be scared, I think, as long as it doesn't get in the way of living and that you realize that being scared isn't going to help you at all. I've always been scared of the unknown -- what's under the bed; what's behind that bush in the dark woods; and now, will my little princess make it? I realize that there is nothing I can do but pray and hope for the best. I know that my fear is futile, because whatever will be, will be. But when your mommy told me the other day that we had about 7 weeks to go, a shot of terror went through me. God help me! Will I be able to handle this? Will I be strong enough to hold up this fragile little family?

I know I've already thanked you for your strength, but I want you to know that I am leaning on you, little one. I am relying on your strength to bolster us and to get us through this trial. It's in the time of trial that we are truly made. The glass vase must go through the scorching heat in order to be molded. The tree must die in order to be reborn the next spring. We, too, must rise above the pain and be molded, galvanized, and reborn into something greater. You, my princess, are going to be our flame, our winter, our little girl. How can I be scared when I have you to hold my hand?

Love,

Daddy

Dear Lily,

I don't think I have ever thanked you for all that you have give to me and everyone else who loves you. I'm sure you are not finished offering gifts to us, but I wanted to take a minute tonight and let you know that I think you're pretty great. Before you came into our lives, we were all a little bit more selfish, a little bit more unforgiving, a little more cold-hearted. We are all good people; you'll learn that in due time. But you have made us better. You have given one of your sisters a purpose, you have given your mommy a sense of empathy greater than she thought possible. You have given your older brother a pillow for now(that's just a joke). As for me, you have broken me. I am officially a pile of mush, sitting on the floor. I am waiting to be put back together, stronger and better than before. I have you to thank. Though I suffer each day with the uncertainty of your life, I have to realize that all life it fragile. I have to be willing to accept that time marches for each of us, and that no one knows his time. That is why we always have to be willing to pick ourselves back up. Though I suffer now, I know that this fire your mommy, our family, and I are going through is for a special purpose. I haven't been able to figure out why God has chosen to make your life so delicate. All I can say is that we have to take our cards and play them -- whatever they are.

So, thank you for being here still, when the odds said you wouldn't. Thank you for coming into our lives and strengthening us. Thank you for being a fighter. If only I had your strenght.

I love you every second of every day,

Daddy

Dear Lily,

I know I can sound like a motivational speaker at times, but I want to make sure that I tell you everything I think is important now, while we have time together. I have a quote above my room at school. It says, "Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right." I like this quote. Another one I read recently from Disraeli is, "Nurture your mind with thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." Finally, I like one by Michelangelo, who wrote, "The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark." You know, there are a million ways to say the same thing. And that's OK. You never know when your words will make an impact. I am all about goal setting right now. In my class, I am pushing hard on them to succeed, because I don't want them to suffer later. I want them to be ready. I feel the same way about you. If I could push you harder, yell for you. "Kick harder!" "Fight harder!" "Your daddy is here waiting for you!" Set your goal higher than all the doctors out there telling us to give up on you. You can do anything you want. We are following your lead, so show us you want to be here. Talk to God and convince him that you have work to do here. Tell him that your daddy needs you.

Love,

Daddy-

Dear Lily,

How have you been? I still feel you kicking almost every night, but when I try to feel you with my hand, I can't seem to find you. I got to take a "sneak peek" at you yesterday at the doctor's office. Everyone is taking such a keen interest in you. I guess that's a good thing, huh? You look like your older brother in the ultrasound photos. I try to imagine you chasing him around, swinging on a swing set, or spinning around in the grass until you fall down. Then I get sad, because I know that I will not get to see these things. There are lots of things that I will not get to experience with you. I just hope that we will get to play and dance and sing when I get to meet you in heaven. In a discussion recently I heard someone say (maybe it was your mommy) that by letting you go, we are putting you in good hands -- safe hands. There will be no pain or tubes attached to your body or drugs to keep you calm. I imagine walking hand in hand with you through a park in heaven. You have long, think curly blond hair and you are wearing a larger version of the outfit your sister bought you. We are laughing and joking. It is a beautiful day. That feels nice. I hope I have to wait a while to have this experience with you. There is a lot I still want to do here. But know that I look forward to the day when we can walk and talk. If you beat me to heaven, start picking out a spot for our walks, ok?

I love you like the ocean loves the moon.

Daddy

Dear Lily,

Your mommy and I have been talking about miracles lately. For me, miracles have always existed. They are ephemeral things like a beautiful sunrise, the laughter of children, the emergence of a butterfly from a chrysalis, or the birth of a baby. I have never been witness to any of the miracles that could be considered "biblical" -- no raising from the dead, no water into wine, no walking on water. I'm not really sure why these kinds of miracles seem to have been isolated to the first century, but I can no longer say that I have not witnessed a miracle. Your brother was born. That was a miracle by my old definition. But the fact that you have made it this far with an extra chromosome in every cell in your body is a whole different class of miracle to me. And when you come out to see me, and I get to spend however much time I get to spend with you, that, too, will be a miracle. Now, don't think that I do not hope and pray for you to come out whole and without disability. I do, every day. Our preacher, Bob, told us that people have it all wrong when they refer to prayer. They think of prayer as a basic, easy thing to do, without much to it. He says that when we say, "I'm praying for you," that's really like saying, "Don't you worry, I'm bringing out the big guns now." So, know that you've got the big guns of everyone that loves you fighting for you. Know that everyone will love you just the same, no matter what. And know that every day that you are with us is a miracle to me (by my new definition).

Love and hugs,

Daddy

Dear Lily,

I haven't written you in a while. Your mommy and I took you and Gabriel to see the family in Ohio. I bet you felt the cold, huh? Well, we had fun and you were on our minds, as usual. Your Aunt Wendy has a new baby. She is so precious and little and perfect. It makes me sad sometimes to think that others may think of you as imperfect. Don't listen to them. You are who you are, and that's perfect. God will not make you any way but how you are supposed to be.

I have been reading a book by the coach of daddy's favorite football team. It has already changed how I look at life. Isn't that neat, that you can read something and it changes how you see the world forever. That's why books are so amazing. I want you to love reading (which you will). Anyway, in the book he defines success like this: "Success is the inner satisfaction and peace of mind that comes from knowing I did the best I was capable of doing for the group." That's it, nothing that profound. But I have always defined success by what I have accomplished. The problem with that is you are only successful at the end. Life is about more than the end; it's about the journey. It's in the daily struggles and joys, not the end of your life. So, now with this new concept of success, I can be successful all the time, as long as I always do my best. However, that's not always easy.

So, even though you may be thought of as different or unconventional or imperfect by some, you are and always will be my little flower. You are already successful in making lots of people love you. That's something to be proud of. Keep up the good work.


Love,

Daddy